cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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