I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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