my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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