don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
