A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
