i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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