You don't have asthma, your pregnant
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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