I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
