woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
