I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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