if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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