How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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