Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
