I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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