allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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