Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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