the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
