Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
