I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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