working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
