update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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