I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
