I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
