Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
