my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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