i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
