fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
