guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize