I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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