He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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