Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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