i love accidental penises.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
