Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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