I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So vagazzling was a success
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