you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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