Duck Duck Cougar?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
