worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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