Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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