the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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