What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
