I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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