I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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