I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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