What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
