Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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