just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
