i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
