wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
