This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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