I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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