I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
