yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
