We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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