I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
