so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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