Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
