Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
