Pants 0. Shit 1.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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