I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
